President Bush senior and junior are on a plane that crashes into the sea.

Whats the difference between Saddam Hussein & sperm?

One comes from Baghdad ......................................................
...................................dads bag!!?

Submitted by Marcus Jones

How do you know when there is a singer at the door?

He knocks out of time ....and doesn't know when to come in!

How do you know when a drummer's stool is level?
He drools out of both sides of his mouth!!!

Submitted by Benji the drummer boy from Eusto.

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What is the difference between a drummer and a toilet seat?

A toilet seat only has to put up with one asshole at a time.

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Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car?

It took two hours to get the drummer out.

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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

1) 19 - one to change the bulb and the rest to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it
2) 20 - one to hold the bulb and 19 to drink until the room spins
3) one. but only after he has noticed that it is dark
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All jokes provided by the sterling Mr. Drew Traylor

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of Y-fronts.

A woman notices him and asks what he has come as. He looks at her and
replies, "A Premature Ejaculation!"

"A Premature Ejaculation?" she replies, " ... why?"

"Simple ..." he responds, "... I've just come in my pants!"

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver
Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's with the panel beater it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he
says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F***ing hell!" he screams. "...where's my Rolex?"

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philipp Philopp

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device...a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,"... how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy........... if you explain the kids."

Jim owned a small company that manufactured nails. One day he went out for a drink when he saw Bob - a guy he used to go to school with. They talk and discuss what each other is doing. Jim tells Bob that he owns a nail
manufacturing company called 'Jim's Nails' while Bob explains that he works for a advertising agency.

Bob says, "I tell you what, since we were friends at school I'll make you an advert for free" Jim protests but realises it's an opportunity he shouldn't refuse.

A few days later Bob phones him up to say that his finished advert will be on tonight, in the X-Files. Jim, all excited, gets a few beers in and sits down and waits. Eventually, the advert comes on. There on the screen is a picture of Jesus nailed to a cross with the caption 'USE JIM'S NAILS' written underneath in large letters.

Being a religious guy, Jim is outraged. He phones Bob up and asks what the hell he thinks he is doing. Bob apologises profusely and after much persuasion he
gets Jim to agree to let him do another advert to make it up to him.

Another few days later Jim receives a phone call telling him that the new advert will be on in between the Saturday Night Movie. Again, Jim sits down with a few beers and a couple of friends and waits.

The new adverts comes on ... Jesus is running through the desert with sweat pouring off his brow - he is obviously running for his life. The camera pans
out to reveal two Roman Guards about 100 yards behind Jesus chasing after him. The camera zooms in on the guards just as one says to the other, "I told you we should have used Jim's Nails"

One day Jane is walking through the jungle and meets Tarzan for the very first time. She is instantly attracted by his handsome ruggedness and athletic body. They make small talk and she, drawing nearer, asks him what he does for sex.

Tarzan looks at her before replying, "But, what is sex?"

Jane explains and Tarzan states he 'uses a hole in a tree'. Jane is horrified and quickly says, "Tarzan, you're wrong. It's not a tree you should use. Let me show you the right way to have sex."

Within seconds, Jane removes her clothing, lies down on the ground and tells Tarzan "... this is where you have sex." Tarzan instantly drops his loincloth, walks over to Jane and kicks her, full pelt, between the legs.

Clutching herself in agony, Jane splutters, "Tarzan, why the hell did you do that?"
Tarzan, looking confused, replies "Me check for bees."